It's All True
The last thirty days I have spent more time in prayer and the word than I have in the last 3 years. When you start to honestly look at your shortcomings and you finally start to see your own hypocrisy you can only have one of two reactions:
1- Grateful that God gave you one more opportunity to repent and adjust
2- Continue doing exactly what you are doing
Two years ago, my wife told me to leave my previous employer. That God wanted me to make adjustments in my life. I’m stubborn, I didn’t listen. I know my wife was correct, because I had felt the urging of the Holy Spirit to do the same, but alas I didn’t listen to either one of them.
Today, I am just over 30 days full-time at hff.church. My wife and I have spent days meeting with congregants, new families interested in the church, counseling sessions, but most importantly doing life differently. Every family goes through seasons, some seasons are marred by chaos, some are filled with joy, others are seasons of release. This has been a season of release for my family.
We must release ideologies, practices, ways of thinking, even down to the physical structure of our day. Everything was and is on the table. I’m a type A person who struggles with the worst types of sins: arrogance, pride, ego, and a lack of empathy. I have had to adjust my walk, my practices, and meet God face to face and beg for His Spirit to heal me from these sins. I have had to expose the very depth of my idolatry of my own capabilities, and sit in silence asking God for His calling, His direction, His favor, and His healing.
The truth is, I have served in high level ministries for many years projecting my own sins and insecurities on others, and I have to confess it’s all true. See a lot of people want to place a higher weight on addictions that are linked to gluttony, money, sexual lusts, or drugs, but being addicted to yourself is far more dangerous from what I see in the Scriptures. The first step to breaking an addiction is to acknowledge and confess you have it.
As I continue learning, pressing, and sitting in silence for the voice of God to continue to remove, replace, and reveal to me how I can become more like Him, I must first practice the Biblical commands about confessing our sins. I have said it for years, many of the individuals I meet who love the entire Scriptures are drastically lacking in the Holy Spirit. Ironic, I was a prophet to myself. The only Spirit I was walking out of was myself (at least most of the time).
It is in this season I am learning more about experiencing God. Experiencing his presence, experiencing His power, experiencing Him. I have found this comes with a healthy dose of a couple of things.
1- Spend time in the word daily. The more you can the more He can show you about Himself.
2- Spend time in prayer daily. In this repentant season of my life I have stopped asking God for anything except that He would make me who He designed me to be.
3- Spend time in worship daily. Sing, clap, dance, rejoice. Worship is a lifestyle that needs to be practiced.
4- Fast and afflict yourself. Except for Yom Kippur, I rarely did this. This is now my lifestyle. Literally forcing myself (remember attempting to overcome narcissism here) to rely solely on God and His leading.
5- Spend time with other believers daily. The commandments of God were given to walk out in community. If we walk with believers of diverse giftings, manifestations of the Holy Spirit, and wisdom we ourselves will allow ourselves to disciple and be an apprentice of Jesus.
Literally all I want in my life right now is to be more like Jesus, and help others become more like Him too. Being pruned is necessary but dangerous. You see if you prune the wrong branches, or you prune too much you could kill the plant. Yet if you don’t prune the dead branches off, you hinder the growth of the plant.
“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” - Philippians 1:6
I’m being pruned. Thankfully, God saw fit to allow me this season where I can finally say “it is all true.”