Confessions of a Sinner

The last year of my life has been a roller coaster with God.  My family started to practice a Sabbatical once a year.  Last year I had one question for God, “Will you please release me from being a pastor?”  It was a selfish question but one I felt was worthy of consideration.  I know my apostolic gifting, primarily is an apostle.  I build things.  Yet for six years I have served in the office of a pastor in a church I started. 

I have only heard the voice of God once in my life, or at least that I can say with certainty it was Him.  That was when the Lord told me to move to Norman, OK.  It was clear, it was audible in my brain, and it defined the one thing I told my wife I would never do, move to Oklahoma.

This time I had a thought, I believe it was God, but I can’t say with certainty, so I won’t say “thus said the Lord.”  It was funny, you think you have been a pastor?  How can I release you from something you haven’t even attempted to walk in?  These two questions rushed over me.  At first, I was angry, typical type A personality, ENTJ on the Meyers Briggs system.  Then I pondered on this for a couple of days.  It is easy to do this on Sabbatical, it is much harder to practice in the noise of everyday life. 

I couldn’t be angry, I hadn’t pastored anyone, let alone be pastored myself.  Sure, I have been a deacon, ministry leader, founded and built organizations from the ground up, but I had never been a pastor to the people at my church.  In all honesty, I believe the motives and calling were pure to start the church, but deep down I think my desire to control my environment was the apostle in me.  As misguided as that sounds, an apostle is building communities and people for the kingdom of God, not for themselves.  As I checked my heart and repented before God, my wife and my children, I don’t believe I intentionally meant to control, it was just second nature.

Those that know me well know I have three things I place a high value on. 

-       Integrity and Character (always do what is right)

-       Fight battles the Lord puts before you (don’t run from God)

-       Accountability (place men around you of high character)

I had failed my church, my wife, my children, but most importantly the test God had placed before me.  This started a whirlwind of changes in my life.  The biggest one was only to fight battles the Lord calls you to.  Sometimes God places conflicts around you so that you will wait on the Lord and let Him fight those battles.  (Thanks to a close friend who remind me of this deficiency I have).  I am so used to being shot at, spoken ill of, and fighting for what I feel is the righteous cause that I forgot a core Biblical principle.  I can’t do anything of my own power.  It has to be God who changes, focuses, removes, and restores.  I’m not sure I have fully learned this lesson yet, but I am trying!

Through this season God immediately took me to the book of Acts and led me on a heart-wrenching journey of my own leadership flaws, inadequacies, and missteps.  I had overcomplicated the calling; I had walked without clarity of the goal.  Love the people God brings to you.    Care about their struggles, care about their families, care about their journey.  Something so simple, yet I had forsaken. 

During the first week back at my church I had to practice the art of confession.  It was hard to stand on the pulpit and confess my shortcomings as a leader.  It was hard to admit that I the one given to protect, lead and shepherd was responsible for the noise and chaos of our church.  It was the truth.  I had blindly led a church for six years.  No longer was I willing to make this mistake.  I didn’t know how to pastor a church, I am not sure I still do, but I knew God had given me a clear direction for the church and I was asked to walk in a calling I hadn’t before. 

Ok, great, God gave you a calling, is there fruit?  That’s been the measuring stick for me this past year, really since February.  The Bible clearly defines the fruit we should see in our lives, and others if His Holy Spirit is in something.  I have witnessed more people overcome things in their life this year than ever before in our church.  This includes me.  I will be the first to admit, I am not the perfect person.  It is no secret to my church or any who know me I battle with anger, pride, and ego.  These are not traits of a man of God.  I just like many others in our community have had to do life differently this year.  Try harder, fast more, pray more, and walk in transparency with the good and the bad like never before. 

Today I sit less than a week into my second year of Sabbaticals with my family.  I have read/listened to five books already.  Each one cutting away at imperfections I have or currently am walking in.  Each with the goal of growing closer to God, being a better leader, a better husband, and a better father.  I’m not afraid of the pain of change. 

I’ll leave you with this, I believe it was Jack Deere in the book “Why Am I Still Surprised by the Power of the Spirit,” he lays out a case for a Christian life.  Growing up I was taught when you first come to Jesus is the hardest part of your walk.  You realize you must change your life, and your heart and walk differently.  As you progress in your faith it gets easier to walk as a believer.  You experience fewer trials, and fewer tribulations and your life gets progressively less complex.  Jack makes the case that this isn’t the ministry of Jesus at all.  In the beginning of Jesus’ ministry, there were far fewer trials and less tribulations than at the very end.  Using the last moments of Jesus’ life and His gut-wrenching prayer to the Father as an example, Jesus’ last moments of his walk were some of the hardest and most arduous. 

I’m not Jesus.  I’m not even close.  I can attest that if you are truly attempting every day to seek Jesus and eradicate sin, and your flesh from your life, it will keep getting harder.  The devil and your flesh aren’t worried about a believer who scratched himself on game day.  When we truly wrestle with our flesh and the principalities of this world it is and will be a constant war.  A war that can only be won by us submitting to God’s direction, calling, and life-altering changes to give us a new heart.